A gathering
Karen McNeill's memorial was in Canmore on Tuesday. I attended, partially to drive my friend Michele back to Calgary, but I was also grateful for the excuse to be there. I'm not sure if I would have gone otherwise because I didn't know Karen very well. I didn't want to be an observer during such a raw time when I wasn't experiencing the same loss as her friends and family. However, having said that, part of me very much wanted to be there, as a fellow climber, as a person who has also lost loved ones, and to support friends if they needed it.
Death is an energy I've chosen to keep close to me through the work I do with Hospice Calgary. I always consider it my ultimate "fuck you" to a force I have absolutely no control over and has wreaked havoc in my own life. A part of me feels that if I'm helping others in some miniscule way to deal with their grief, I'm doing some good. It makes my own grieving over the loss of my sister have some relevance. Otherwise I could think I wasted 7yrs of my life struggling with depression and "complicated grief" as those in the Biz call it. I couldn't make the transition to the "acceptance" phase, no matter how hard I wanted it, hence the complication. I wish someone could have guided me sooner when I was trying to figure it out and not doing so shit hot. I'm happy to report that eventually, even stubborn Lise worked through it with the help of a caring grief counsellor.
Out of that experience emerged a different person. The Buddhists have a word "Bodhichitta" which means the "tender or soft heart". The concept is that compassion is fostered for others when we suffer. Personally I think the buddhists have the market cornered on pain & suffering. The Jews have done a fine job with worry & neurosis and the Catholics are way ahead on guilt & penitence. But really, you can't touch the buddhists for recognizing how hard it can be to be a spirit in human form, taking this crazy ride called LIFE. And they've made it even worse than that. The Jews and the Christians say: "Well at least you only have to do it ONCE". But the Buddhists are like: "Oh no, no, no... no such luck, you get to do this MANY MANY times." Sucks to be us some days (or lifetimes). But I think that's why they've done such a good job on finding methods to reach enlightenment. Eventually, we long to get off the wheel of perpetual Samsara (pain and suffering) and are DAMN ready for Nirvana. I say, HELL ya! But lest you get too excited, it does seem like a ton of hard work to get there. "Ah but grasshopper, you thinking it's hard work increases your suffering.." ya whatever Mr. Enlightened Swami Yogi Lhama asshole, thanks for pointing out the painfully obvious. (It would appear that I personally still have a ways to go to reach Nirvana, breath in the good... let go of the bad... ohhmmm.... shake a rabbit's foot, do the hokey pokey.. anything? anything? Nope not yet.)
I intuit that enlightenment will be a work in progress. In the meantime, friends and family could die before I do (and probably will). I'll continue to assist others who are grieving. I'll try and make the world a better place. I fear I will attend more memorials for fallen climbers. But If I'm fortunate, no one will be missing me at my memorial or funeral because I'll have outlived the people I care about and will be living in a cave or crevass somewhere, high on the mountain, laughing for no good reason, just because Enlightenment & Nirvana feels good.
Death is an energy I've chosen to keep close to me through the work I do with Hospice Calgary. I always consider it my ultimate "fuck you" to a force I have absolutely no control over and has wreaked havoc in my own life. A part of me feels that if I'm helping others in some miniscule way to deal with their grief, I'm doing some good. It makes my own grieving over the loss of my sister have some relevance. Otherwise I could think I wasted 7yrs of my life struggling with depression and "complicated grief" as those in the Biz call it. I couldn't make the transition to the "acceptance" phase, no matter how hard I wanted it, hence the complication. I wish someone could have guided me sooner when I was trying to figure it out and not doing so shit hot. I'm happy to report that eventually, even stubborn Lise worked through it with the help of a caring grief counsellor.
Out of that experience emerged a different person. The Buddhists have a word "Bodhichitta" which means the "tender or soft heart". The concept is that compassion is fostered for others when we suffer. Personally I think the buddhists have the market cornered on pain & suffering. The Jews have done a fine job with worry & neurosis and the Catholics are way ahead on guilt & penitence. But really, you can't touch the buddhists for recognizing how hard it can be to be a spirit in human form, taking this crazy ride called LIFE. And they've made it even worse than that. The Jews and the Christians say: "Well at least you only have to do it ONCE". But the Buddhists are like: "Oh no, no, no... no such luck, you get to do this MANY MANY times." Sucks to be us some days (or lifetimes). But I think that's why they've done such a good job on finding methods to reach enlightenment. Eventually, we long to get off the wheel of perpetual Samsara (pain and suffering) and are DAMN ready for Nirvana. I say, HELL ya! But lest you get too excited, it does seem like a ton of hard work to get there. "Ah but grasshopper, you thinking it's hard work increases your suffering.." ya whatever Mr. Enlightened Swami Yogi Lhama asshole, thanks for pointing out the painfully obvious. (It would appear that I personally still have a ways to go to reach Nirvana, breath in the good... let go of the bad... ohhmmm.... shake a rabbit's foot, do the hokey pokey.. anything? anything? Nope not yet.)
I intuit that enlightenment will be a work in progress. In the meantime, friends and family could die before I do (and probably will). I'll continue to assist others who are grieving. I'll try and make the world a better place. I fear I will attend more memorials for fallen climbers. But If I'm fortunate, no one will be missing me at my memorial or funeral because I'll have outlived the people I care about and will be living in a cave or crevass somewhere, high on the mountain, laughing for no good reason, just because Enlightenment & Nirvana feels good.
posted by Lise B at Thursday, June 22, 2006
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