Getting by

Its been a while since I last posted. Life has been challenging without my friend Colin. A group of us met tonight to celebrate a friend's birthday. We laughed, talked about climbing and I couldn't help but be reminded of the elephant in the room, which was Colin's absence. He should have been there and he wasn't. I find it difficult that sometimes spending time with my climbing friends is hard because I'm reminded all the more of Colin's death. I wonder if they feel the same, I haven't had the courage to ask. What I know is that we're all hurting and doing the best we can to cope. Tonight when I got home, I poured a glass of wine and hoped it would work its magic. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. I also have some little blue pills my doctor gave me in case things aren't going so well. Every now and then I'm not above numbing myself, there have been times when this experience has crashed over me in not so pleasant ways. Not every day is like this though. Some days I think about him and I have this resigned feeling that this loss is sinking in. Other days when he doesn't cross my mind at all. But not tonight. I came home looked at photos of us, climbs we did, good times. And I'm feeling defiant about the whole thing. I want to say fuck you to the stupid universe and maybe add a kick in there too.

I am probably indulging myself, listening to sad music, reminiscing and just feeling. Perhaps not the best choice of actions for "moving forward" But tonight I want to spend it with my friend, hear his laugh, I want talk about stupid things with him, like the merit of certain down coats, how to sharpen my ice screws and maybe even change it up with talk about our investments and the new snow tires I just put on the my vehicle. He could have a scotch and I'd sip my wine.

I was fortunate to have a dream about him last week, he came to visit and I gave him a great big hug. I looked at him and asked "Are you really gone?" In his enigmatic way he responded "Lise, you couldn't run fast enough to catch up to where I am now..." I smiled and told him I was so glad he stopped by. And I was, it felt like a magical moment to see him again.

My love of climbing has put me in and irreconcilable position. On the one hand I would have never met Colin and had the experiences of being his climbing partner and friend and I will cherish this for the rest of my life. And yet climbing has taken him away. I doubt this dichotomy will be resolved in my heart and head anytime soon.

This weekend I'll go out ice climbing for the first time this season. In the craziness of Colin's passing I never posted that I had gotten into a car accident the week before, early November. I hit black ice on the Transcanada Hyw heading back to Calgary from a weekend at the Banff Film Festival. I spun out of control doing a donut and ended up in a frontal collision with the vehicle in the adjacent lane. We bounced off each other like bumper cars. We all walked away from the crash but I suffered a nasty case of whiplash. It was a very scary experience and the injuries left me in chronic pain for awhile. Needless to say, its been a hard time this past 2 months. This weekend I am going to head out to an easy ice area and see how the body is feeling. My elbow has been causing me some grief so that's really what I have to test. Any climbing goals I had for the year have been ditched, now its going to be about being healthy and having some fun on the ice. Enjoy the mountains and the people I spend time with.

I'm not sure what 2008 holds. I feel like a boxer in the ring who just got his clock cleaned, he's managed to get up but isn't quite steady on his feet yet.