When a whiz is not such a whiz

I am going to pre-apologize for this post, this topic will not be everyone's cup o' tea or nalgene bottle of..... now why ruin the surprise right away?

There is always something I wished I could do. The desire born of many interrupted sleeps, tosses, turns and frustration. Something that most people wouldn't even consider unless they spent enough time sleeping in tents....

I want to be able to pee in a bottle while in my sleeping bag. I am a "middle of the night urinator". (for some reason that sounds like it could be a title of a song) Whether I'm at home, or in a tent during a howling wind at 4000m, nature continues to call. Getting out of your sleeping bag and venturing into the cold night to pee is a pain and when you have to get fully dressed for the occasion its a chore. The downside to this though for many women is urinary issues if you don't pee when you need to. I've found out the hard way so I take this issue quite seriously. I have pee'd in a bottle in a tent but its fraught with its own issues, you STILL have to get out of your sleeping bag and position yourself, its dark, there is limited room, not to mention the awkwardness when you have a tent-mate.

In to save the day... aids for women to pee standing up. Do a search on the Internet and you will find many contraptions that a woman can use. One disposable penis coming up! :-)

But standing up to pee is not the same as lying down in a sleeping bag, in a tent. In retrospect I'm not entirely sure why I thought I could actually do this, portable penis or not. But I bought my little contraption from Mountain Equipment Coop, the "Whiz" its called. With happy visions of never having to get out of my sleeping bag to empty my bladder again, I brought this home.

I figured I should test it. I haven't had enough wine to drink tonight to go into detail as to *how* I did my test but suffice to say it didn't work. I pee'd all over myself. There's an issue of gravity working against you when you're lying down, not to mention serious operator error on my part. Ever tried to instantly stop peeing when you find things going horribly wrong? Not good, lets just leave it at that. Perhaps this idea could work if the contraption could get a tight seal, but shit how would you get the damn thing off of you after that?? I really didn't give this issue enough consideration. Again sorry for you squeamish readers who may not like this topic. Most mountaineers and travelers get quite blase about talking about urinary issues, bowel movements (lack there of or way too much activity) and stomach issues, its a sharing of information and commiserating when things go awry. (for instance, bad vodka helps settle the stomach, totally true!) Mind you I doubt there will be too much commiserating regarding peeing all over myself....

I may have to scrap the dream of whizzing lying down or at least defer it for the time being. I think I'll gain some proficiency using the little contraption standing up before trying to get too fancy. One must walk before they run.

Maybe before Bhutan I'll become a whiz at it. One can only dream....

PS: now this is disconcerting, I decided to do a search on the web for "women peeing lying down" Maybe someone has already figured this out? And yes I was prepared for some sleezy weblinks to show up. What comes up on the first page of my Google search? This posting.