A sad and happy time

Today I was visiting God on his own turf, in a church. There are a couple reasons most of us end up in a church these days and sadly mine was for the wrong reason. I was there to say goodbye to a friend, Ian Anderson. 

The past weekend when I returned home from Utah, I heard that a man had died after finishing his running leg in the Kananaskis 100 Relay. I remember feeling a pange of sadness for his family. I got the call 2 days later from Craig that the man was Ian.

Shit.

Fuck.

I had laughed and told jokes with Ian 4 weeks before when him and his wife Gill came to my slideshow presentation of Bhutan. It was lovely to see them as it had been a while. Ian was in his early 60's and always had a bright and curious look in his eyes and a big smile. I didn't realize until after his death that he had a prestigious education, career and was a big-time smartie pants. :-) But I should have known since he always seemed to add something meaningful to most topics that were brought up. Gill his wife is a fire cracker of an aussie women (they breed them well there) who is lively, interesting and active. Ian was an avid outdoor enthusiast, although that I have to admit that when I first met him he came across as more of a brainy computer nerd than athlete. :-) I used to joke that I wasn't sure what Ian and Gill had in common all these years but I just hadn't looked hard enough. There were photos of Ian in marathons, on hikes, sailing and very much looking like a man at home in the outdoors. Old black and white photos showed him to be a dashingly handsome man and Gill was equally attractive. They made a handsome couple.

When I saw Ian and Gill at my home, Colin's parent's Nancy and Roger were there (visiting from Vancouver) I was really pleased that Nancy and Roger had other people closer to their age to speak to. Nancy and Gill were talking about how lovely it is to have grandchildren. Roger and Ian were happily mixing with the group.

I walked into the house of God somewhat resentful and sad. I couldn't help but think what we would have had for Colin if the wanker had let us have a memorial. I think I'll always be a little pissed at him for that stunt, but I'm sure I'll be able to tell him so the next time we see it other. It won't be that long in the cosmic scheme of things.

But today I was with people who loved and would greatly miss Ian. His running team showed up in their running gear and at the end of the service ran ahead of the Limo to the hall for a wake. No, I can't in good conscious call it a wake since there was no alcohol. In the catholic tradition a wake without alcohol is a why-bother since the whole point is to get stinking drunk so you can be crying, soppy and maudlin, while you laugh and tell stories of the one who is sadly missed. I hope that comes later for some people since I do think it really helps. I can imagine a therapist somewhere reading this and cringing at my blue collar advice.  

I will miss Ian's light on this planet, since he was of those guys who added to the brightness here.

Speaking of brightness I think of the new shining star, Claire. Catherine gave me a lovely gift this week. She asked me if I would baby-sit Claire. I showed up thinking that I haven't held a baby in 15 years and hadn't babysat since I was 12. But I sure wanted to try! I figured it was no worse than when mothers and fathers get home with a new baby and are left to fend for themselves for the most part. 

Catherine gave me a brief explanation of how to change a diaper. And then left for her much deserved run. If it would have been an easy-peasy pamper or huggie it would have been no problem but instead its the environmental 3 piece save the planet diaper. Complex when you have a wiggling baby, or shall I say thrashing baby when she is throwing a fit. Whoa! I had no idea a Baby could scream that much or get those little arms and legs so stiff ! I was kind of impressed to be honest. However once diaper was changed, she calmed down rather quickly. Then I was able to watch this new little life as she would look around and see the world through 7 week eyes. Every now and then she would focus on me and I wondered if she had any idea of how much I loved her. I wouldn't have cared if she cried the whole time I would have been happy to spend time with her. But as magic would have it I soon had a sleeping baby on my very tired arm. I'll assume my walking and hypnotic singing was of help, maybe, hell if know. But eventually I was able to sit down, lean back and feel the miracle of a sleeping baby against my chest. Small and defenseless, I told my body to remember exactly how she felt. The warmth of her skin, her rag-doll little arms and legs and the rapid breathing, the feeling of her face against my neck. "Remember" I whispered to myself.... I know that in a blink of an eye she will be a child running wildly like a sprite. I felt like I could see a determination in her eyes all ready, I could be totally bullshit imagining that, put I can feel that little fiery soul in there.

I got to feel a deeper connection to Claire. And to Catherine too because she is trusting me and allowing me to be here. I doubt she will know how important it is to me, but on the other hand Catherine and I have resonated in many ways with the character of our grief. I don't know if that's weird or not, but we're ok with it and I know it helps both of us.

I keep doing a double check to see if this connection to Claire is going to kick in a desire for children of my own but nope not so far. It just feels amazing to have these rather cool maternal instincts.

So like my title of the blog says both sadness and joy are sitting beside each other today and I have this creeping awareness that the line between which one is good or bad is less of an issue than it used to be for me. They are both the natural order of things and there is beauty in Ian's passing. I think of all the people who care about him that are feeling in their hearts right now and connecting, hugging and sharing with each other. I think it would make Ian smile his big beaming smile.

I'll look forward to Claire's beaming smile too.