Better than working

Most of my friends who read this blog already know about the dramatic turn of events on the Lise-Chanel. Coles Notes version: Lise gets sick and then sicker and then gets injured and sick and then injured, sad and sick and eventually..... epiphany time. I'm really glad I had one of those. Hell I'd read enough about them to know they might be kind of cool to have. That colossal "Ah HA!!" But on the other hand I can't say I was crazy about the suffering I did in that process. Frankly... that sucked. I don't like ambulance trips to the emergency room that much, although the morphine sucking into my vein and hitting me in 2.3 seconds was goooood - oh ya.

Back to the epiphany. It didn't look like what I thought it would, in truth it wasn't as dramatic as "ah HA!" it was more like a quiet ".....hmmmm.... I wonder..." Little whispered thoughts that spoke of heresay and defiance but most importantly freedom.

The voice whispered tales of emancipation and deep inside of myself I felt a resonance that remembered what it is like to be unfettered. But for those of you reading and thinking "Oh, how cool to follow your dream". Please consider more deeply the consequences. I know I'm refuting the current New-Age doctrine that happy intention will manifest your happiness. I tend to think the Universe also expects us to get off our collective asses and put words to action and that is scary. My job ended. I put my house up for sale. I am living in limbo with a hazy outline of my life, waiting to be scribbled in with the new colours I'm finding. I don't want corporate blue anymore, I refuse to colour with that crayon!! Give me sparkly pink and neon green. It's time to live a new life. But in the process I'm having mini panic attacks and times of shocking inactivity, I think that's supposed to be relaxation but it feels more like laziness. :-) I know it doesn't matter how I'm feeling, wait 5 minutes and it will change.

Everything comes at a cost and I think it can become a personal question of what you can give up to get. I imagine Deepak Chopra wouldn't like me writing about such limiting beliefs but dammit friends... I have never found life that particularly easy, certainly not in the way all the books on the shelves are saying it can be. There have been some amazing highs with climbing and traveling and the ability to do things most people don't do. But I have lost family members way too soon and watched as my best friend drew his last breath on a hospital bed. This tempers any gratuitous experiences I might have and challenges me to find meaning in all aspects of my life. I'm not sure I would be so motivated if my life was always perfect. I hope people find solace and help in any book they read or place of worship they choose or state of mind they can attain. What ever works I say, I know we're all just trying our best fighting those feelings that say we're not where we intuit we should be. Is this just me thinking these thoughts?

I don't mean to be a wet blanket here but I have pensive moments. I have tears and I have friends and I have my cats and I have times of angst and lonliness and times of awe and excitement about the future and I feel love. Wait 5 minutes it will change.

I am travelling to India. I will leave on Oct 28th. My intending is that my house will sell quickly and I will pack up most of my belongings and store them until I return in the winter. Then in the winter live with Tom in Canmore, ice climb and truly love these Rockies before I move to Nelson.

2.5 months in India. I wonder what lies there for me. I have had a vision of a man who opens a gate to his garden. His eyes are liquid brown and his smile says he knows me. I have met him a few times now in my visions and I am curious to meet him in the flesh. I think I know who he his but what our meeting will produce is still a mystery.

Thoughts of a book are rising to the surface. We will see once I return from India.

For the current time; I went shooting yesterday with a close friend, I had never shot a gun before. We were using rifles in an area that looked like a filled in garbage dump with riddled remains and the crunch of empty shells under foot. A foreign land for me, with foreign people - hunters mostly. The gun felt strange, the butt resting in the hollow of my shoulder. But then a memory as I looked down the site, the notched V, the bead of the site settling into the middle of the notch and the target moves into focus. I relax and I remember the action of concentrating intently. I breath out, relax and slowly pull the trigger. I am hitting targets very quickly. Luc looks at me in surprise and we think I am lucky. But I start to hit far more than I miss and I am tagging bull-eyes. We decide it can't be luck that many times.

I enjoy this because I am able to utilize my shamanic skills of intention. Holding all your attention on your target and asking the bullet to follow your line of intending. It was FUN. Now I have a sense of why so many of my brothers and sisters on my shamanic path practice target shooting and are avid competitors.

I haven't blogged in so long if feels like an unfamiliar skill, rusty with what I want to say and how I want to organize my thoughts. And also how much do I want to write. What do I want to divulge when realizing that anything written here will float in the matrix of the web perpetually and that's an annoying thought.

Friends have prompted "Are you blogging? Blog about India and what you've been up to."

My other guess is that folks who are reading this are on facebook so ya, the photos tell a better story than my blog. However I think I will write more thoughts while I'm India.

As crazy as it is, freedom has landed on my stoop and we are figuring how I'm going to get off the ground.... stay posted.