How cool is a pyramid

Can someone please tell me why the writing bugs occurs at the oddest of hours? Its 3:21am standard mountain time and that's odd for me because usually I'm asleep. No worries though, I'm still voluntarily unemployed and I can sleep in.

Less writing about nocturnal issues and more writing about TRAVEL!

How cool is a pyramid. Well I wondered about that because most of us in the developing world have been raised on photos of pyramids. We've all wondered "How did they do that?". I think the pyramids have most likely kept the History Channel and the The Learning Channel gainfully employed because lets face it... We can't get enough about pyramids nor the mysteries they hold.

Have you ever really really wanted to see something for real, you've had your fill of the glossy photos or the hand drawn etchings as they left an indelible mark on your imagination yet you've thirsted to see the REAL THING. For me not so much - seriously. I am astounded at how disinterested I was to see the architectural wonders of the world. For much of my life my interest has been in the natural world, and the challenges of movement. I don't like cities for the most part and unfortunately now many of the great monuments are located very close to civilization and as such they haven't been on my list of "Things to see before I die".

Boy am I an idiot. Take the Great Wall of China. I wouldn't have made a special trip to see it but I put it on the agenda when I realized I was stopping in Beijing on my way to climb in Mongolia. When I stepped on to the actual structure and was laboring along it's heroic contour of the landscape, I was humbled and astounded at how incredibly BETTER it was to see it in person. No photo could do it justice, I was standing on human history; hopes, desires, passion and ingenuity was vibrating in every brick laid into place. The ghosts of men and women past were brushing by me along with the march of human civilization. It changed me to be there and I will never disregard our human accomplishments again. Problem is I've never cared for engineers all that much and I didn't care too much about what they left behind. I am officially upgrading my idiot status to dumb-ass and its embarrassing so lets talk about pyramids.

The pyramids. I suppose I liked the pyramids as much as the next kid but I wasn't an Egyptian aficionado. Again, it wasn't on my immediate travel agenda. I knew that the great pyramids of Giza were dangerously close Cairo and I wasn't keen to be in another dirty, hustling, over crowded city. However serendipity laid her glorious hand on my shoulder and shoved me into a wondrous and grand adventure.

I had barely unpacked the content of my backpack after my trip to India. I was happy to be back on Canadian soil. Deliriously happy actually, I came home with a deep appreciation for all the gifts I was living with including my health, friends, family and the security of knowing I would always have a roof over my head and something to eat. I was not prepared to be a globe trotter again so soon. Back to Ms Serendipity....

The short version of a much longer blog is that I struck a deal with a highly controversial author and maverick Robert Bauval. I would take Robert's tour of the Pyramids in exchange for providing graphic design work. Once I hatched my plan it was easy as pitching the idea to him via email and Bob-Was-My-Uncle. Ok there was the slight issue of being stranded at the Cairo airport and Uncle Bob not knowing I was missing for two days, but that's why I called it an adventure! :-) Robert has been stubbornly writing books with hard facts to support his contention about why the Pyramids are placed the way they are within the grand space of nothing less but the geographic area of Egypt. It would appear we are witnessing engineered planning of massive proportions to achieve their placing of pyramids and areas of worship to reflect the heavens above from a much much earlier time - like 10,500BC. This is a gross over simplification of his work but will have to do. He has tenaciously withstood the derision of "expert" Egyptologists who have tried to discount his research, then ignore his research and now I think mostly they have adopted the "hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil" when it comes to Robert's work. They hope he will go away. The teensy problem is that he's been rather wildly successful with his books and he's been teaming up with equally intelligent malcontents who are determined to have their theories tested on the greater stage of academic respect and consideration. And why not? If they can't support their theories they should be laughed off the block, but guess what... These folks are professionals often in the realms of geology, engineering and human history. They have no vested interest in maintaining the status quo of knowledge that the Egyptologists of old fashioned and the current guard still support. But when one looks with fresh eyes at the data (as Robert and others have done) it appears that the earliest Egyptologists had limited understanding of how structures are actually built and had no awareness of how weather such as water affects these structures especially the Sphinx. Combined with their own religious schools of thoughts, most of these early Christian intellectuals couldn't accept an Egypt that was obviously far older than biblical accounts of human history so they created alternative theories that could fit into their world view.

WHICH brings me back to pyramids. I found myself in Egypt for 8 days with Robert's specialized tour and then for another couple weeks on my own. When I saw the first step pyramid I found hard to assimilate the reality that I was actually looking at something that was 5000 years old. Perhaps this shouldn't have been so difficult as I touch rocks that are millions of years old all the time. But when I first set eyes on a pyramid what I was struck with was the realization that the individuals who conceived of pyramids and then spent the next centuries perfecting them, had to be definitely on par with mastermind engineers of today. They had to be in order for these structures to exist and survive. And with that realization I found it interesting to note within myself I also harbored the arrogance that we "modern" man must be new and improved over the "ancient man" . Oh contrare. Are we are more technically advanced? It would appear obviously so. Are we smarter or more creative or more innovative? I tend to doubt it. It wasn't just about the pyramids, ALL the structures I saw were awe inspiring because they are so friggin' OLD and still HERE. We don't have answers for how they accomplished some of their feats but we are left with the buildings that represents the use of sheer human determination, ingenuity and man power. I won't even touch on the more interesting discussions of "Why" they would go to such Herculean feats to build at all - another blog perhaps.

However, once you enter the great Pyramid of Giza all bets are off. There is a room called the "King's Chamber in the dead centre of the largest pyramid. No one can fully explain how they built that room. The blocks of rock weigh an average of 40 tons "each". They are placed with microscopic precision and it defies explanation given their tools and lack of machinery. Not the engineers, nor the builders, nor the Egyptologists and not even the mystic visionaries who are communing with Isis and Osiris have a plausible explanation. So far the aliens haven't taken responsibility either. And come on, if you were an alien and you did such cool shit wouldn't you at least have written SOMETHING like "Zoltan from planet Nimrod was here" ?

We have one great big ancient mystery. And I went into that chamber and I sat there, in this grand mystery in amazing silence. For 10 minutes there was no else in the room except for my friend John Major Jenkins and I. And again it was like stepping onto the Great Wall, as I had this deep sense of awe at where I was. Yet even more so in the King's Chamber precisely because it is an enigma - wrapped in a mystery and I could feel it. It made me feel like a small little human with a tiny lifespan, so insignificant while sitting in the belly of history. These pyramids used to be covered in gleaming white alabaster and the top was covered in gold. They glittered in the desert pointing to the celestial home of the Gods - Orion's Belt. We are left with a giant Rubic's cube that modern man has shown surprisingly little serious interest in unlocking. Think about it, if we (we meaning modern man who has guns and steel and capacity to blow somebody else to kingdom come) thought that the pyramids could teach us how to kill our enemies quicker or more effectively we would have been ALL OVER FIGURING IT OUT. But alas the mystery proved too enigmatic and it had no intrinsic value to our survival so we shrugged our shoulders and decided "The aliens did it"

No matter one's opinion on the pyramids, Robert's theories of "why" they are placed the way they are doesn't help with the bigger question of "how" they accomplished these illustrious feats. Sure perhaps we know how one can construct the classic pyramid we know and love. In fact Egypt is full of the previous attempts, the failed projects and the steady progression of refinement of the step pyramid to the iconic 3 dimensional triangle we see in Giza. But we still can't explain the King's Chamber, how it was built with such precision nor how the massive sarcophagus that is inside the room got there.

Today each of us can go back in time and for a brief moment can breath the air of the past and marvel at how human genius can be made manifest. We can appreciate that our species has capacity for greatness that can withstand the tests of time. Go see the pyramids.

They are REALLY cool.

Climbing in Canada

I am writing in reverse, about my present experience before I begin to touch on my memories of India.

I spent the day with my friend Tom, in one of my favorite places - The Ghost; the front range of the Canadian Rockies. After India and the frenetic energy it holds it was nice to visit familiar friends from all the worlds; human, plant, mineral and animal. The energy of this area always fills me with peace and today was no exception.

The day in the Ghost held a vivid blue sky. We drove in as far as we could to our destination which was Marian Falls. We got surprisingly far along the crazy snow rutted trails, Tom driving like a 4x4 Pro. The walk in had Tom and I touching on a range of topics we love to explore. Spirituality, human potential, the future of the world and often our personal dreams for the future as well.

We found the climb in wet and sun baked conditions. It felt like a spring day! Tom put in an exploratory screw, hit the ice here and there with his axe and decided it was climbable so game on! He did a great lead, he's been climbing alot the past couple years and he's solid on ice. This was my first bigger outing on ice since returning from India. I had done some leading exercises my first time out the weekend before at a small climbing crag and it felt surprising good. Now I was wondering about my overall strength to hop on a Gr 5 pitch. I am climbing leashless now and that also adds more spice to the seconding to not drop a tool. No such luck I DID drop my tool at the top of the climb while I was getting ready to rappel down, what a dolt! Luckily it was fine in the snow. Tom said he was kind of relieved that I didn't completely flash the day and it really wouldn't be an outing with him if one of us didn't do something dumb like slip on our ass during the approach, forget something, get lost, who knows!

While climbing I felt it was going well, I was getting tired no doubt about it and I had to take out a screw in a pouring shower! No kidding, there was water running down my face into my mouth, it was hard to see properly since I had to turn my head to not drown and yet still take out gear on steep ice. I was getting drenched as I was reaching around a curtain to take out the screw. Cold wet and tired; it was a good start! In a twisted way I enjoyed the suffering, all my senses were wide awake and I knew that any discomfort was going to be short-lived.

When I got to the top Tom said I climbed really well, really fast, he was impressed! I was happy to hear his glowing report since I need all the confidence I can get. I can't assess my own strength and abilities yet so I appreciated the feedback.

I can say that I think I will be a better climber after my trip to India. I feel more grounded and centered and although I haven't really exercised for almost 3 months I feel strong as well. It is a good feeling to have, my body seems to be loving the physical exercise and I am starting to feel the inspiration for more physical challenges.

On the drive back out Tom's dear truck Mr Monty got high centered and we were stuck, stuck, stuck. He had been performing so admirably up till now it was impossible to get angry with him, I think Mr Monty had done his best but the conditions changed in the afternoon and the soft snow was harder to navigate. Much digging ensued, much much digging - digging with shovels, digging with our ice axes, digging with our feet, digging with a stick; can you dig it? Fuck me. I think we were at it pretty hard for almost 2 hours. Finally with much... do I need to say it again? With much DIGGING we extricated Monty and held our breath for the other tough areas where he could get stuck again! But Monty pulled through due to Tom's extrordinary driving skills.

On an emotional level Ice climbing is still hard for me, I wondered if I would miss Colin when I went climbing. Yes I do. I miss him when I am getting my gear ready, I miss him on the drive out, I fucking miss him every step of the way. I wonder if a day will come when he is not with me in the mountains. No, I need to rephrase that, I love that he's with me in the mountains, he is looking out for me I know. I hope that a day will come when the sadness won't be there, the ache of wanting him to be here in the physical. But the heart has its own timeline for grief and all I can do it be patient and kind to myself.

I was telling Tom about the friends I made at the Ashram in Rishikesh. It felt good to talk about them and feel the energy of my experiences. Fondness crept up on me and I began to miss being there. Now I have another place that is finding its own space in my affections. I began to appreciate why people go back again and again, to be with their community of the spirit.

Fellow spiritual travellers are to be appreciated, those who I can look into their eyes and know that they can see me for who I am without a history, without a story. We leave our temporal worlds behind to seek the divinity within. India is a good place to start. Swami Veda gave a talk and I recall vividly what he said "Is not the experience of the infinite, even only for a brief moment, worth some effort?" Yes it is, everything in my heart tells me that touching God however briefly is worth everything, it is waking up to the true awareness of why I am incarnated in this lifetime. Coming back has given me a different kind of culture shock, I feel altered as a person, trying to find my place when I come home only to be reminded that I have no home in some sense. My house is for sale and I will be moving to Canmore for a couple months and then on to Nelson. There is no solidity in my life - only movement and change.

What is true for me now is that India was not really a vacation as much as an exploration. It was more of a saguay from one way of life to another. Coming home is not a return to the familiar, rather it is a continuation of moving into the unknown. Like India there will be days when I want off the rollercoaster ride I volunteered for. Like on my journey there are other times when I feel the sacredness of life and I have such gratitude for everyone who touches me in some manner and I think to myself "I am so damn lucky to be exactly where I am - wow it is magic at work"

Now I walk into my future.

India 1

Getting back from India is like stepping off of a rollercoaster, you're a bit shaky, maybe woozy, still happy you got on the ride but maybe a little relieved that its over too. :-)

I had thought I would blog while I was there but I realized that I wanted to fully focus on the experience at hand and not have to step away as one does when they are writing about it for others to read. Now I feel the energy to capture some of the moments. I have photos posted on Facebook for those who want to peruse.

I wonder if India is a place that creeps into your bones and when at times you swear you are never coming back to such a fucking shit hole a part of you knows you will yearn for the translucent evening light that brushes the garbage with a blush of beauty as it caresses the temples and weaves into the smell of incense. This doesn't cancel out the rickshaw driver who overcharged me triple or the bands of teenage boys who are happy to leer and the braver ones jeer.

The nights I felt like I was a hostage in my hotel room will be forgotten for the freedom of traveling in India with the rhythmic movement of the train.

I came back with beautiful memories, photos and a mysterious rash. This tryptic is the perfect momento for India the beauty and the shockingly profane.

There is much more to write about India but since I'm finding it hard to pinpoint what I want to write about best I get something out there with more to follow.

Better than working

Most of my friends who read this blog already know about the dramatic turn of events on the Lise-Chanel. Coles Notes version: Lise gets sick and then sicker and then gets injured and sick and then injured, sad and sick and eventually..... epiphany time. I'm really glad I had one of those. Hell I'd read enough about them to know they might be kind of cool to have. That colossal "Ah HA!!" But on the other hand I can't say I was crazy about the suffering I did in that process. Frankly... that sucked. I don't like ambulance trips to the emergency room that much, although the morphine sucking into my vein and hitting me in 2.3 seconds was goooood - oh ya.

Back to the epiphany. It didn't look like what I thought it would, in truth it wasn't as dramatic as "ah HA!" it was more like a quiet ".....hmmmm.... I wonder..." Little whispered thoughts that spoke of heresay and defiance but most importantly freedom.

The voice whispered tales of emancipation and deep inside of myself I felt a resonance that remembered what it is like to be unfettered. But for those of you reading and thinking "Oh, how cool to follow your dream". Please consider more deeply the consequences. I know I'm refuting the current New-Age doctrine that happy intention will manifest your happiness. I tend to think the Universe also expects us to get off our collective asses and put words to action and that is scary. My job ended. I put my house up for sale. I am living in limbo with a hazy outline of my life, waiting to be scribbled in with the new colours I'm finding. I don't want corporate blue anymore, I refuse to colour with that crayon!! Give me sparkly pink and neon green. It's time to live a new life. But in the process I'm having mini panic attacks and times of shocking inactivity, I think that's supposed to be relaxation but it feels more like laziness. :-) I know it doesn't matter how I'm feeling, wait 5 minutes and it will change.

Everything comes at a cost and I think it can become a personal question of what you can give up to get. I imagine Deepak Chopra wouldn't like me writing about such limiting beliefs but dammit friends... I have never found life that particularly easy, certainly not in the way all the books on the shelves are saying it can be. There have been some amazing highs with climbing and traveling and the ability to do things most people don't do. But I have lost family members way too soon and watched as my best friend drew his last breath on a hospital bed. This tempers any gratuitous experiences I might have and challenges me to find meaning in all aspects of my life. I'm not sure I would be so motivated if my life was always perfect. I hope people find solace and help in any book they read or place of worship they choose or state of mind they can attain. What ever works I say, I know we're all just trying our best fighting those feelings that say we're not where we intuit we should be. Is this just me thinking these thoughts?

I don't mean to be a wet blanket here but I have pensive moments. I have tears and I have friends and I have my cats and I have times of angst and lonliness and times of awe and excitement about the future and I feel love. Wait 5 minutes it will change.

I am travelling to India. I will leave on Oct 28th. My intending is that my house will sell quickly and I will pack up most of my belongings and store them until I return in the winter. Then in the winter live with Tom in Canmore, ice climb and truly love these Rockies before I move to Nelson.

2.5 months in India. I wonder what lies there for me. I have had a vision of a man who opens a gate to his garden. His eyes are liquid brown and his smile says he knows me. I have met him a few times now in my visions and I am curious to meet him in the flesh. I think I know who he his but what our meeting will produce is still a mystery.

Thoughts of a book are rising to the surface. We will see once I return from India.

For the current time; I went shooting yesterday with a close friend, I had never shot a gun before. We were using rifles in an area that looked like a filled in garbage dump with riddled remains and the crunch of empty shells under foot. A foreign land for me, with foreign people - hunters mostly. The gun felt strange, the butt resting in the hollow of my shoulder. But then a memory as I looked down the site, the notched V, the bead of the site settling into the middle of the notch and the target moves into focus. I relax and I remember the action of concentrating intently. I breath out, relax and slowly pull the trigger. I am hitting targets very quickly. Luc looks at me in surprise and we think I am lucky. But I start to hit far more than I miss and I am tagging bull-eyes. We decide it can't be luck that many times.

I enjoy this because I am able to utilize my shamanic skills of intention. Holding all your attention on your target and asking the bullet to follow your line of intending. It was FUN. Now I have a sense of why so many of my brothers and sisters on my shamanic path practice target shooting and are avid competitors.

I haven't blogged in so long if feels like an unfamiliar skill, rusty with what I want to say and how I want to organize my thoughts. And also how much do I want to write. What do I want to divulge when realizing that anything written here will float in the matrix of the web perpetually and that's an annoying thought.

Friends have prompted "Are you blogging? Blog about India and what you've been up to."

My other guess is that folks who are reading this are on facebook so ya, the photos tell a better story than my blog. However I think I will write more thoughts while I'm India.

As crazy as it is, freedom has landed on my stoop and we are figuring how I'm going to get off the ground.... stay posted.

Where freedom leads

I did a rather odd thing a while back. I decided to opt out of my current life. Not talk about it, bitch about it but something snapped and I couldn't breath another breath of my life without jumping off a bridge metaphorically of course because I dislike extreme sports that would have me hurtling through the air. I will prefer the relative solidity of my friends rock and ice. Wind will have to be for other adventurers.

But adventuring I am. Gone is the life of a corporate person in Calgary. That reality drifted like smoke when I realized I needed freedom. Serenditipy has a way of tapping you on the shoulder and making things you thought impossible, possible - magic breathed in your face like smoke and you dare to fully inhale for once in your life, to feel the fragrance of life.

For me that is in the mountains, in the cool air of life as it is meant to be in natures fields and meadows, streams and grass and animals like bears.

I plan to move out to the sticks somewhere, set up shop in an area that have thoughts such as I do. Thoughts about climate changes and life changes.

Bio Spheres, ours and the planet.

As humans in the industrialized worlds, I think I can safely say that we are removed from our environment. We are removed from Nature's cycles and rhythm and we've forgotten that we're a part of the ecosystem, we are an animal within the earth's biosphere. All four worlds of grandmother earth; animal, plant, mineral, human, and the magical world we are made up of the same compounds of stardust.

So as the Earth is reeling from vagrant disregard and naked aggression from her earth children, why do we think we are not impacted by the changes of the earth internally as well? What has blinded us to the ancient memory "what is outside is within" and "as above and so below" 

Indigenous people have decided that the whites are crazy in many ways. We are so powerful technologically but we have forgotten who our mother is. We forget we have a place in the world as a participant not as a species that has power over.

I invite you to consider your life as its own biosphere. Are there hurricanes blowing in your relationships? Do you have a drought of compassion or even love? The world is experiencing the largest climatic changes in recorded history. I look at my life and see an incredible amount of chaos in the different arenas in my life.

I see our lives as atmospheres made up of emotional, physical, mental, spiritual and sexual energies that creates the environment that we can breath consciousness into this body made of carbon. A healthy biosphere of these energies in balance  is what we need to be a participant in our own cosmologies again. Awake, alert and aware with a new awareness. Spirit is the determiners of our lives or should I say it used to be. We have given that role to the mind and the ego and quite frankly they are not up to the task. We wouldn't get angry at a screwdriver that couldn't pound nails. Those are two different functions. The mind and ego were designed to keep our bodies alive in a very hostile world. React fast, be aggressive when need be, retreat when you have to. Stay alive at all costs. And they do that well. But Spirit was always meant to be the driver of our actions, call it what you will: humanistic values which has no spiritual basis, or a spirit focused life,  it doesn't matter. When you allow your heart to inform your actions good works will be done and its semantics to suggest there is a difference in intent. I think about the craziness it would be to tell a leaf on a rose bush that its not a rose because it can't bloom like the flower. They are a part of the same plant and share that existence but will live and experience life much differently from each other.

But as humans we do this all the time to each other. You are not as human because you are a terrorist on jihad. You are on worthy because you have a different god or you have no god. We make ourselves different and separate and then we reinforce our belief with TV and media to keep our illusions firmly in place. This is the devil we know. Living with spirit demands an acceptance of uncertainty, of trusting ourselves and our choices. Its about taking responsibility for our lives and understanding that we co-create our life. There are no victims here.

So to my logic, our personal biospheres while unique, are still connected to each other as an integral part of humanity as a species and of the larger system of our planet, we are organic entities same as everything else. What I do to you I do to myself. The atrocities in the world are happening to my family, I am losing brothers and sisters, mother, daughters and children, I weep for humanity as surely as I weep for the ice that is melting and the plants and animal species which are disappearing every minute. I find hope in the teens I meet in the Bereavement program. They are grieving yet they have hope for the future. I find hope in the changes that I do see, in the programs that are being produced and the information that is shared on the Internet.

I have a vision of a peaceful future but I think it will be bumpy. I think our generations will see changes that the many faces of humanity throughout our short time here have never seen. The Mayans thought so as well and they have placed the largest shift to be on Dec 21, 2012. What will change then I don't know. I don't think the world will stop, no of course not, not even close. But once the energies speed up shit will start hitting the proverbial or should I say a primordial fan since this is what the universes do. They have breathing in and out events in a cyclical nature that is beyond time, beyond our constructs of thinking. 2012 marks the convergence of the sun directly in the centre of the milky way directly in front of the earth. A happening that takes roughly 24,000 years in the making. The Mayans knew this from their detailed astronomy and record keeping. That it had happened before and will happen again is a matter of verifiable science. However what we do with this information will be uniquely modern. We are not Mayans and they obviously weren't that smart because they perished. I have a hope for the future that in our time we will be ready to embrace the new era of the 5th age and humanity will continue. I think we'll need all the help we can get.

I know I want to make healthy, peaceful changes now and I want to gain more balance and alignment in my life. I want to face the issues in my life that are creating drains on my energy. I want the people I care about to do the same. I don't think any of us can afford to be complacent about the world today. But we have an exciting opportunity to re-imagine who we are and our relationship to the earth. 

Who's in?   

Memorial

Funerals and memorials seem to be more common than weddings these days. I flew back to Prince George to be with my family, specifically my step family to say good bye to Dave my oldest step-brother. Dave had spent the last 18months of his life living with a terminal illness. At first there was hope and optimism but eventually it became apparent that Dave's condition wasn't going to improve, there would be no miracles here. Well perhaps that's not entirely true. I realized at his memorial that there was an ordinary miracle present. Ordinary in the sense that most of us see it or experience it at some point in our lives and nary give it a nod of recognition.  There are times in our life though where we have clearer vision. Then the importance and the magic is felt and we hope we will never forget it. The gift of death, as much as it begrudges me to say so, is one of those times.

You see at Dave's memorial, the miracle was apparent when you walked into the large banquet room for his memorial. No... before that. When you walked through the parking lot and wondered if there was a vintage car show going on. Why else would there be so many beautifully restored cars lined up like sentinels. Visual examples of someone's passion most likely the driver, someone who spent countless hours restoring junk cars to their former glory. Model T Fords with matt black paint, roadsters with the engine open for all to see. Flames on the sides of big-daddy style cars. I was struck to see them all there. I knew Dave was a car guy, that's how I would have described him. I knew that he knew alot of people from his involvement in car clubs and the online car community. But I didn't expect what I saw in the banquet room, 700 people paying tribute to a man they called friend. And after those 700, more came, standing at the back of the room. And who were they? Through my eyes they were typical PG guys; jeans, ball caps, mullets, mustaches, beards, jackets with emblems, t-shirts, biker boots and runners. They were there for Dave.

How could one average PG guy touch so many people? This is the magic part. The energy of kindness and generosity that was Dave. In his life, from what what the men who spoke said, moved a person who helped without concern for repayment. To whom the word friend meant a life long commitment. A guy who called it as he saw it, politically incorrect or not, mostly the latter. A man who passions ran deep for working on cars and helping other people who did the same, a devoted husband and a man who loved his father. Whether in person or digitally through online forums Dave forged life long relationships with others.

I didn't travel there to say goodbye to Dave really. I think I had said goodbye to him long before.  I had known Dave was terminally ill and followed his journey through my conversations with Mom and Ray. With time, all the tests were done and the doctors provided a diagnosis that no one wanted to hear. 

And at that moment Dave and his family and friends were given a gift; time to say goodbye. The opportunity to look at someone honestly and say "I love you" Hold hands and just be with that person.

I went back to Prince George to hold hands with Ray. Of course I felt sad for all of Ray's kids, I love them and I know how shitty it is to lose a sibling. Not fair. I wanted to be there to show them that I support them. Both mom and Ray said I didn't  have to come. it was expensive, I was busy - what ever. After mom's spiel I said "mom, I'm coming" and her response was "Oh good." I knew my presence was needed by both of them. Ray was saying goodbye to his oldest son and I wanted to be there. 

Our family is intertwined in the most interesting of ways. My brother Cyril was best friends with Ray's son Tim. On remembrance day at the Legion in Prince George 25yrs ago, Mom and Ray met through their kids. Mom had been widowed for 6yrs and Ray divorced for 7. It was love at first sight, a whirlwind courtship and 7 months later I had a stepfamily. Ray is 14yrs older than mom so his kids were older. Adults actually, married with families. Over the course of time we mixed and mingled at parties, get togethers, what have you and we became an extended family. A large, french, slightly dysfunctional family. :-)

The glue for most of this being the mutual care and affection we have for each others parents. I think we all struck gold. From what I could gather Ray's kids had a troubled relationship with their mom but it was evident that they loved their father in a manner akin to hero worship. And I get that, I think he's man worth loving that much. And so is my mom they all found out. Hearts shared at the kitchen table with a woman who knows how to listen and care. Mom's brand of compassion and no-nonsense wisdom salved wounds and showed a different model of what a mother could be. One who loves you and never judges, no agendas and no expectations. I saw they loved my mom as much as I loved their dad. Ray showed up in my life when I was 16. I wasn't looking for a father figure I was just happy that my mom had found love. But Ray always offered me kindness, love and unconditional support. 25yrs later as he's pushing 91 Ray's commitment to me has never wavered, not once. I feel on some level we all had slightly broken pieces and each parent was able to mend that in their own way. There was more than enough love to go around.

So how does this tie back to Dave you may be wondering. The reasons I adore Ray are the same reasons Dave idolized his father and strove to emulate him. Ray is a man of generosity and character. Dave watched his father, learned and demonstrated those same traits. Quick with a joke and a helping hand.

Nothing and I mean nothing cuts through the bullshit like death. We become real, we become honest. We are given a chance to really express what is in our hearts and we can look in each others' eyes. It doesn't matter if all there is is tears. Its about showing up to the party with an honest heart. During these times we remember that life is more than our jobs, our vacations and our dwindling RRSP's. I think its about the inner remembering that we are here to love, be loved and share love.  Dave's health declined and during that time people from all over came to say goodbye to him. And those that couldn't visit sent emails. Emails from all over the world from people he had helped. I think that was when the magnitude of what was going on became more apparent. A steady stream of well wishers to the point that what Dave really needed was less visitors and more rest. I think he knew he could rest later.

Eventually due to his illness, Dave couldn't work on his cars. He had been restoring a vehicle and it was sitting idle in his garage. But not for long. There was no organized plan but friends would come over to see Dave and they would hang out in Dave's most favorite place, his garage. And guys started to work on the car. Every weekend someone, many people were doing what needed to be done. Many hands make light work. Dave got to see his panel wagon restored completed as homage to his passion and the care his friends had for him. Dave's brother-in-law came into town so he could drive Dave in the car to a local "show and shine". It won. I saw a photo of Dave accepting the award. I was shocked; thin, bones, sallow skin, a shadow of the man I knew. How comfortable for me never to see Dave sick. Here he was, not long before he died. The good side of someone who is given time it that they can say goodbye. The shadow side is that those that love them have to watch them lose weight or gain weight, lose hair or gain implements such as oxygen tanks and wheelchairs. And of course that person is present for their own decline. For friends and family it is a discipline required to continue to see that person as the vibrant, strong individual they once were. While for those of us who have lost friends and family suddenly, we can keep a fresher memory of who they were. When I saw Colin in ICU he looked like Colin; strong and big, barely contained in the hospital bed. I held a warm strong hand not a frail one.

Dave had a big concern that he would die in a hospital being taken care of. This was his comment "I don't want someone else wiping my ass" He was probably days away from being placed in a hospice. He took the energy he had left and died at home in his bed. 

I felt a humility seeing all the people there to say goodbye to Dave. I was reminded of the things I think about alot and I referenced in my last blog, living life with honesty and making the right choices big and small. Dave worked hard, he played hard, he loved cars, he loved speed, he told inappropriate jokes, he loved people, he didn't give a fuck what people thought of him, he loved to hunt, he loved to fish, he loved to cook, he loved to party, he was fiercely devoted to his family, he loved his wife and kids.

Dave loved and was loved. Everyone who called him friend got to experience, generosity and kindness in action with a bad joke thrown in there. That's the magic we so easily miss, the magic of caring that changes lives.

 Badda-bing badda-boom